For 7 years, my boyfriend and I found it hard not to have sex with each other. We knew from the beginning that we wanted to get married, but that was not the excuse we gave ourselves for doing these things. I have a Christian background so I knew that purity was important, but I didn’t think it would be so difficult.

Every date was a battle. Every moment we looked into each other's eyes, our flesh was fighting our spirit.

Whenever we allowed ourselves to go “too far”, to the point of having sex, there was immediate regret. We would end up saying:

“I’m sorry.”

“I knew I shouldn’t have come to your house.”

“This can’t happen again.”

“We need to get out of here.”

“Let’s talk to someone.”

The first time we “went too far”, I cried. I couldn’t stand to think that I had carried over the mistakes of my previous relationship into my “godly” one. I reached out to a friend, told her our struggle and asked her to “keep me accountable”. I had expected her to be the solution to our problem, but that was not the case.

Weeks later, the battle continued. The fight for purity in our relationship only got more difficult. Apart from this struggle in the relationship we both struggled with personal purity. I was exposed to pornography at a very young age and had struggled with masturbation ever since. My boyfriend had a similar childhood experience. So this was not a one-sided problem. Satan had taken hold of our lives from multiple angles.

I wanted to be perfect. I didn't want to 'sin' anymore. But that did not seem realistic.

Over the years, I questioned the genuineness of my faith.

I said to myself, “If I’m really a Christian, I wouldn’t struggle like this. It shouldn’t be this difficult to control myself.”

I wanted to be perfect. I didn’t want to ‘sin’ anymore. But, that’s not realistic. After all, I’m human, and for as long as I’m alive, I have to accept that struggle is part of life

For years the cycle of struggle continued. We’d “fall”, ask God for forgiveness, ask a friend to keep us accountable, then fall again. Marriage seemed like the only “solution” but I am not ready for it anytime soon, and my parents were not ready to hear that.

Around the 5th year of our relationship, I told my parents I wanted to get married because there was temptation. Their response was, “Why is there temptation? Get rid of the temptation.”

It was over seven years of fighting ourselves, of wanting to know each other more but always feeling like being together only led to hurting God.

He, too, told his parents that the temptation was difficult to bear but their response was “Always pray.”

Well, year 7 came along and after countless battles between our lustful desires and our fear of God, I got pregnant. We told our families and friends, and we got married.

When I look back, I am exhausted. I relive the pain and struggle for purity that I felt every single day. It was over seven years of fighting ourselves, of wanting to know each other more but always feeling like being together only led to hurting God.

I wonder what went through the heads of my family members and friends when people said the words “they had sex before marriage”. I wanted to know who else struggled with purity but comforted themselves with the fact that they didn't get caught.

I wish I had had someone I could talk to who actually understood what we were going through, and wouldn’t just tell me to “stop” but would walk through it with me and listen without judgement. That would have been very helpful.

For me, the solution is being in a community where you can be open, with people who care and are willing to help. There is real freedom when you can talk to someone you trust about your struggles.

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