The first time I saw him was at a concert. I was 14. He looked arrogant. When I met him he was so rude and annoying. Even though he was 10 years older than my friends and I, they thought he was very cool and attractive. Actually, he could be charming and fun to be with, when he is not focusing other girls.

On my way home one night, he offered to walk with me to keep me safe. I refused. He insisted, so I let him.

After a while I got used to him walking me home. We seemed to have a common interest in things like books, music, history and God. He seemed to enjoy it when I disagreed with him; maybe it was my company he enjoyed. He told me I behaved more mature and showed more intelligence than girls my age.

He showered me with compliments which made me feel good about myself. I felt special. He even said I was the only one who really understood him, more than his girlfriend, even his family. I felt bad for him, and showed understanding.

He told me we had to keep our conversations a secret. From our friends and his girlfriend, as well as our parents, because they wouldn’t understand and would only get jealous or suspicious and judge us. I recall I was anxious at the thought of being judged by others.

Now, looking back, I see these are common exploitation tactics: separate potential victim from friends and family, connect with them through flattery and common interests, manipulate to gain empathy, and loyalty with shared secrets and shame.

He made me believe I was his friend, when in fact, he was just using me.

After I turned 15, he kissed me for the first time. After that kiss, he increasingly became possessive: He would hang around my house, expect unconditional loyalty and commitment and send me unusually sweet love letters.

He began to hug and hold me. I was scared that things were moving very fast between us. But honestly, I enjoyed the attention and show of love.

Eventually, things turned sexual. I was confused and felt uncomfortable with what was happening. I even felt ashamed because the excitement I sometimes felt made it seem I was okay with a sexual relationship with him.

Because the change in our friendship was gradual I didn’t even realize when his actions began to violate my conscience and dignity. He made me believe I was his friend, when in fact, he was just using me.

One night I decided to end the relationship. When I did he was angry and treated me harshly. I had sensed he could be emotionally and psychologically abusive, yet I was surprised that someone who claimed to love me would treat me so badly. Over the past decades it gradually dawned on me I was being exploited and abused sexually.

Just like many others who have survived similar experiences, I still see him. Sometimes, I feel love and care for him in a strange way. Other times, I feel disgust and violated.

Even with the knowledge that I was manipulated for sexual exploitation, and after therapy, sometimes I still blame myself.

If you are a survivor of sexual exploitation, I know the wounds are deep, the scars are ugly and your feelings may be complicated. But you are not alone. Drop your information below and someone on our team will contact you.