Pornography controlled my life for 10 years. I knew looking at porn was so wrong. It filled me with shame. But I felt powerless.

When I was 13, while plucking mangoes on a farm I overheard this guy talking a lot about pictures he saw online. Driven by curiosity, that evening I googled “sex.” What I found was much more explicit than the undies ads I have seen in magazines. Those adverts had stirred something within me, but these pictures I saw online took me to a level of excitement and arousal I have never felt. At the same time, I was drowning in guilt.

But somehow I managed to stay afloat.

Over time I got addicted to porn. Sadly, I justified my bad habit. I was a slave believing the lie that bondage is good for me. The only time I felt good was the few days I was able to abstain from watching porn. Doing stuff I didn’t really want to do is frustrating. Is this how life will remain for me?”, I feared.

I discovered the intimacy pornography promises is not real - images on a screen could not give me the acceptance and trust I was looking for. Also, the pleasure from pornography comes with consequences — the feeling of emptiness and shame afterwards. But I wanted to enjoy the bad habit without the consequences — the pleasure without feeling empty and ashamed afterwards.

I wanted to enjoy the bad habit without the consequences — the pleasure without feeling empty and ashamed afterwards.

In 2009, I was on a field trip with some friends. A guy who joined our group on Friday got hit by a car on Sunday, and he died. That could have been me. His death made me renew my resolve to face and overcome my addiction. “I need to kill this habit no matter what it takes.”

So I started taking big steps towards freedom. Just wanting it to go away wasn’t enough to make it go away. Good intentions weren't going to change anything if I didn’t take action. So I swallowed my pride, accepted that I have a problem, and chose to seek help. That meant no more secrets.

I reached out to a trusted friend and shared my problem. I have never been this open before. I gave him permission to ask me tough questions at any time about the addiction. He did. For months he helped to keep me accountable. Learning to tell myself the ugly truth, and share my challenge with others, was a huge turning point for me.

Maybe you feel stuck facing the addiction to porn alone. It really helps to talk to someone who understands the struggle. That’s why someone on our team would love to talk to you. Just use the form below to connect with us.