From a young age I realized I had a passion for writing. At the age of 8, I preferred to have a pen and paper instead of a toy. Whenever I am inspired I chose writing over games and sports. I wrote short stories, poems, and even plays. This made me different from every other kid in school and at church. So I was bullied constantly, filled with terrible feelings of loneliness.

Also, the sexual abuse I experienced gave rise more terrible feelings.

I poured out all these feelings of trauma into journaling. This newly found hobby became a way of letting out all the terrible feelings I felt inside. In school, I loved assignments that required the class to write journals.

The sexual abuse experience occurred between the ages of 4 and 6. I blamed myself for it. So I kept it a secret. I wondered if part of the reason I didn’t speak up was because I enjoyed it, or the feeling of shame.

I didn’t believe in myself. I thought nothing good would come out of my life. I trusted no one, and no one could make me speak up. I felt like I deserved the bullying I got from school. The side effects were obvious - lack of self-esteem, lack of trust and lack of confidence. I hated myself so much. I was insensitive to everyone and everything else except my pain.

Secondary school was worse; I kept doubting myself and I kept getting reliving aspects of my past experience. “How comes my abuser never thought of the psychological damage his action would cost me?”, I thought. Finally, I was admitted into the university to study Theatre Art. That was where I regained my ability to dream and aspire. At this point, my secret still remained with me. I blocked out everyone else.

At 22, I began to make friends with people that loved me for who I was, but I wasn't free from the trauma of my past experience. I began to participate in activities that I had never done before. It was difficult to fit in because the love and true friendship was nothing like my background. I was still nurturing the wounds of my past.

The shame was too much to bear, and I was still keeping my secrets.

At that time, I began to have strange dreams and flashbacks about my abuse, and each time, it brought back the pain afresh. I was having sleepless nights and being fearful of that experience repeating itself again. That shame was too much to bear, and I was still keeping my secrets.

I didn’t want people to reject me again, but I summoned the courage to tell a close friend about my past abuse. That made a difference in my life. It is a form of therapy to have have real friends who genuinely care for you and respect you; who are open to listen whenever you talk to them. I learned to love myself and I began to believe that I was worthy of receiving love too.

Many times men don’t understand how important it is to talk to people about the challenges we face. As a man, I thought it would make people see me as weak.

Meanwhile, being able to open up was just what I needed to release the pain I was carrying. My experience has also taught me to be there for others without the fear of judgement or rejection. My healing came because I was able to open up and confide in people who genuinely loved and accepted me.

In case you have been wounded like me. I know it is deep and complicated, but you are not alone. Drop your information below and someone on our team will contact you.