One sunny morning, I woke up and went from room to room looking for my mom. I found her slippers, but she was nowhere to be found. I remembered feeling confused. I saw my nanny rushing about and found my dad sitting in the living room. When he saw me, he pulled out a letter, and read it, without emotion. Mom left! I was shcoked. There were no explanations that I can recall! She just left! Why did no one care about how I felt? I was so vulnerable and alone. I was standing there … all alone.

I became a very quiet and reserved child, no longer the happy kid I used to be. I wanted answers. “Why did my mom leave me?” was all I could think about.

I was doing poorly in school. I cried myself to sleep a lot. I was desperate for someone to love me for who I was. I didn’t know how to process all of these, and so I wrote it all down in my school essays.

My teacher was very concerned about me and very kind to me. She always had this tender smile, I can still recall it. Over the years, other mother figures appeared, caring for me as a mother would.

My dad was very busy with his work, but he was definitely always there to show his disapproval and whenever I did not meet his expectation. He punished me severely when I got bad grades. I felt scared because of my abusive father, but I was also confused because he was nice to me sometimes too. It was not a home I wanted to live in, and I missed my mother so dearly.

I saw her again almost 4 years after she left. She just showed up at the door one day, without any warning. I was happy to see her, but also afraid that she might leave again. My heart was wounded, and I had a hard time trusting my parents again. I could tell they were still not happy. They were living in different rooms. They often argued, and I can only think that the reason they were getting back together was because of me. I could tell my mother was not happy at all.

As a child, I blamed myself for not being good enough to keep my mom from leaving. I wish someone had been there to help me understand what was going on. I found it hard to forgive my mother. How could she leave me behind?

My heart was wounded, and I had a hard time trusting my parents again.

As an adult, I slowly began to make sense of what went on during my childhood and started my own healing journey. I came to understand that I could not fix my parents’ marriage. Now that I am a mother myself, I cannot bear the thought of leaving my kids. My mother must have been so desperate to cut herself off from me. It must have been so difficult for her.

I blamed my mother during all of my childhood years for the difficult times I went through, but now I look at it differently. Instead of feeling anger or self-pity, I grieve for what I did not have growing up. I wish my mom had come alongside me and helped me through puberty, comforted me when I was scared, and been there when my dad was losing his temper. I wish I did not come from a broken family.

Instead of feeling anger or self-pity, I grieve for what I did not have growing up.

This change in outlook from blame to grief took many counselling appointments and a willingness to face my difficult past. I also went to trauma counselling and consulted a therapist. Many people played an important role in my healing journey.

I have noticed that in the various seasons of life, there are new hardships and issues for me to process in my relationship with my family. I know my healing journey has not come to an end.

Often, the path to healing begins with finding someone who is willing to simply listen with compassion and wisdom as we go through each new challenge. That was the case for me, and it could also be the case for you. Please know that you do not have to stand there, in your difficult situation, all alone.